This week we’re picking up the thread of blogging again after a long time! We have been able to do many other wonderful things in the past period, but we would really like to share beautiful stories with you again. The blog below is a guest blog by ‘Elize’, who approached ACE Aware NL and shared her story with us.
Knowledge surrounding ACEs – the missing piece of the puzzle?
When I drive to work in the car, I often listen to a podcast. Trained as a lifestyle coach, I am interested in everything that has to do with health and vitality. This time I listened to the OERsterk podcast by Richard de Leth, where Marianne Vanderveen was a guest. From start to finish I was fascinated by the topic: ACEs, adverse childhood experiences.
Being seen
I remember my childhood as a wonderful time, and yet I recognise a lot in the podcast. This is my story.
I am over 50 years old, born as the middle child of triplets. My eldest sister had mental problems from an early age, my youngest had physical problems. I skipped through life, but had to settle for much less attention from my parents. My sisters got their havodiploma. I did my very best to be seen and obtained my vwo-diploma a year later. However, the feeling of not mattering remained present.
Too different
My partner and I had three beautiful children. When they were a little older, our children had some major challenges in their lives: our eldest daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s, an autism spectrum disorder, at the age of eleven. Our second daughter developed an eating disorder. Our son developed depression, in addition to his ADD. At the time, I suspected that our son’s ADD and his depression were related to his sisters’ autism and anorexia. After listening to the podcast, reading the ACE Aware NL website and a conversation with Marianne, I have a different picture. The children showed behavioural patterns labelled as ‘autism’, ‘anorexia’ and ‘ADD’, but in fact these were largely ‘coping strategies’. This behaviour was a way for them to survive in an unfavourable environment.
With what I know now, I can see that it was almost inevitable that our marriage would end – the gap was too wide. At that time in our lives we could not support each other with everything that was going on. The events exposed our own traumas. And on an even deeper level, I now think that the underlying trauma for both of us influenced the development of the children’s problems. After the divorce, I started working on my personal development in several ways. The children are now 25, 23 and 20 years old, beautiful young adults who are doing well. I think the foundation for this was laid in their early lives.
Rat race
For the first ten years I was at home full time with the children. When the youngest went to school, I worked three mornings and after school, I looked after them at home. After the divorce, when the youngest was seven years old, I retrained for a different profession. After that, unfortunately, I had no choice but to work 32 hours, which meant I was less at home with the children. I had a lot of balls to keep in the air and I joined the rat race of life.
That changed with one phone call: “You have to come get your daughter now, because she wants to go to the railway tracks.” She was already seriously ill at the time. In that moment my world stood still. It was as if I woke up with a shock, as if I realised for the first time that I could actually lose her because of her illness. I completely panicked: what was I doing? The four of us live under one roof, but we each lead our own lives. How truly connected are we? I wanted to change that!
Being available
I made appointments at work and assisted my daughter where I could. We ate all meals together. We also largely visited doctors and therapists together. I could be there for her and that felt nice. However, I felt all the more how I had missed my mother in my own youth. Being able to do it differently than my own mother was healing for me and hopefully for my daughter as well. Just as I missed my mother at the time, she also had had to miss me. As parents, we had failed her in our search for an explanation for her eldest sister’s behaviour (autism). I was aware of it and yet at that moment I did not know how to do it differently. The anorexia forced us to interact in new ways. The result is an even better bond with each other.
Personal development
After a number of major life events, I took the path of personal development in 2004. At the beginning of 2018, the eating disorder appeared to be in remission. That same year I followed an annual program at ‘365 days successful’. For me this was life changing! I recently watched a webinar from them about unacknowledged grief, for example after trauma. When I thought of trauma, I always thought of big things like sexual or physical abuse. That turned out to be an incomplete picture; smaller events can also have an impact on someone’s life and can lead to trauma. An impressive list emerged in my head, including the emotional experiences that preceded and followed two car accidents, a miscarriage, divorce, and illness. After listening to the OERsterk podcast, I listened to Marianne’s own podcast: ‘Raising Resilience’. I now understand much better where the feeling of ‘I don’t matter’ comes from. I also now look at the consequences of the car accident differently. This took place at a time when the second child’s anorexia required a different treatment process. I simply didn’t feel the space to process the emotional and physical side of the accident. I prioritised what I saw as her best interests, forgetting that my own well-being (or lack thereof) is actually the foundation for the children’s happiness (or lack thereof).
Trauma therapy
After my car accident in 2016, I received targeted trauma therapy in the form of EMDR. It didn’t do anything for me. In 2019 I booked an EMI session, a variation on EMDR, which removed the charge from the event. I recently had a similar experience. I was triggered by my piece ‘I don’t feel seen’, which I now understand falls under the consequences of ACEs. My partner booked a treatment for me with a trauma therapist friend. After an extensive intake, he not only tackled the car accident, but all the trauma that I had unconsciously accumulated in my life, the trauma that limited my functioning and that made me tired. He looked at the bigger picture. Together we spent an afternoon working intensively on reprogramming the various events. The result is astonishing: the load has been removed!
Mirror
How are things now? I am a volunteer at the Leontienhuis, a drop-in center for people with eating disorders. I see many parents struggling with the issues that I have had myself. They tell me they feel powerless regarding their child’s eating disorder. Could it be that parents and/or their children are also dealing with the consequences of ACEs, without being aware of it? Could it be that children then lovingly mirror to us how we treat ourselves? Is it an invitation to us as parents to turn inward ourselves, to work on our own issues and thus heal together? In any case, I am much more aware of the impact of trauma on my life and therefore also on that of my children. My wish is to be able to assist parents who are in a similar situation. Is the knowledge surrounding ACEs the missing piece of the puzzle? That is what I want to delve into further in the near future!