In all its simplicity, it was a luxurious, rich summer for me. Between February 2023 and February 2024, I had an intensive year because of my psychotherapeutic training in Compassionate Inquiry. I had chosen a ‘deep dive’ and a lot was stirred within me. All kinds of familiar interactions, behavioural patterns and inner beliefs felt either suddenly no good anylonger, or worse than in the many years before. In the spring of 2024, I was tired of all the emotions and insights gained and I was in urgent need of self-care, of a summer trip in which I could do exactly what my heart longed for and from which I would return happy and recharged. It took courage to deviate from the usual routine and express what I needed. However, my training had also been very useful for that kind of courage and so my plan slowly took shape.
I went looking for an off-grid camper, so that I could travel around without pre-determined locations and would not even need campsites. I found one that was available for almost six weeks. My husband also planned his three weeks of vacation differently than usual and after his first week I picked him up and we travelled together for two weeks through the Vosges, where we also campered wild.
Before that, however, I lived alone in the wonderful camper for three and a half weeks. I spent most of that time in the Dolomites, with their rugged peaks and valleys, in my experience a heartbreakingly beautiful environment. More than the flat Dutch landscape, those high mountain tops seem to do justice to my emotional life and my feeling about human existence, which rarely continues in a clear, straight, flat line.
When I crossed the Italian border from Austria on the third day and turned off the highway towards the Rosengarten massif (or Catinaccio), I felt my heart pounding. I was deeply moved by the sight of the peaks that were beautifully coloured pink-red-orange in the late afternoon light. It felt indescribable, the thought that I would be able to limitlessly intensely enjoy this natural beauty for more than three weeks, without anyone finding it strange or exaggerated, without having to coordinate with anyone what to do or not to do, without having to make even the slightest compromise. I would live in my house-on-wheels that felt very safe, cook on the three-burner stove with ingredients from the refrigerator that was perfectly cooled by the solar panels on the roof and I would (thanks to those same solar panels) shower with warm boiler water between the back doors and then crawl into bed fresh, drowsy and satisfied, with or without a plan for the next day.
The amazement and feeling of being deeply touched about all those aspects stayed with me during my holiday weeks, and they were accompanied by all kinds of realisations, insights, and inspired resolutions. I rested. My heart became calm. I began to feel softer and stronger, observing with interest how I reacted to all sorts of things, my presence of mind in a few difficult situations, my ability to do what had to be done afterwards, to enjoy my own company in relaxed gratitude. Brushing my teeth romantically under the stars and driving around hairpin bends with a big van like a Peugeot Boxer of more than six meters under my butt… it was all equally beautiful and all equally representative of very pure, unhindered aspects of who I really am.
During the few times that I stayed at a campsite and noticed what the stimuli of noisy, not always very friendly family members did to me, I became aware of what the off grid camping and the many walks had already brought me and how much the silence and beauty of nature are an inexhaustible source to refresh and quench yourself, also literally, when I could fill my water tank from a mountain stream. It also made it clear to me in what way I no longer want to communicate with others: I no longer want to function that way myself, and I no longer want to be subjected to it.
There were also sad moments, moments when I realised how differently things had gone over the years, very different from how I had organised them now and where I now felt comfortable, how I had often felt paralysing loneliness, not knowing how I myself could come to a different way or organising things, which would undoubtedly have changed the dynamics between me and those I was with. Above all, however, I could view all that with compassion, without any tendency to fix or escape or judge. I could understand where that old behaviour had found its origins. I managed to look with modest but appropriate pride at how many of those old patterns I have been able to let go of since, how I now look at things in a fundamentally different way and how I talk to myself and others.
In previous years I had met people who had made me ‘ripe’ for a personal development path, but… the work still needs to be done, so to speak, and I did it, with dedication. The Compassionate Inquiry training has consequently brought about an unexpectedly profound transformation in me. The follow-up to this training, the Mentorship Program, started during my vacation and I consider it an honour and a blessing that I have been admitted. Next year, during the Mentorship and the subsequent certification process (for which I will hopefully be invited in due course based on my competencies), will therefore be intense and transformative again. I am taking that into account, but undoubtedly things will happen again this year that I cannot possibly foresee. I enjoy the prospect. I am looking forward to the process. I want to commit myself to it with heart and soul, because I have already seen so often how Compassionate Inquiry supports people in finding their own, authentic Self again – magical!
Many of us have to choose very early in life between our authenticity and the attachment to parents/caregivers who, as a result of how they themselves were raised, are often unable to fully handle that authenticity. As Gabor often says: ‘You will have to choose between the pain of losing yourself for the sake of the attachment relationships, or the pain of having yourself and losing certain relationships.’ And under ideal circumstances, you can be authentic and maintain and grow the relationship with the other. However, this requires that you first discover who you are, that you become familiar with and feel safe in your own authenticity. It requires that you dare to stand up for your own needs (such as a holiday period alone, or whatever it may be that you need).
What we see as our ‘character’ and our ‘personality’ often consists of coping strategies that are based on early childhood trauma. ‘I’m just a quiet person’, ‘I’m just afraid of x’, ‘I’m just very exuberant’… these are inner beliefs. Certain ‘character traits’ were once the only way to maintain yourself in your social circumstances. A ‘compassionate inquiry’, a compassionate investigation based on sincere curiosity about underlying dynamics, can shed new light on this. It used to be a very wise decision to arrange your behaviour as you did and perhaps still do. We call that ‘the wisdom of trauma’ – title of the film about Gabor’s work. Even though some behavioural patterns no longer serve you… they once saved you; they therefore deserve self-compassion, not judgment. After all, by judging them you reject a part of yourself and hardly anyone develops a sense of security and relaxed growth from rejection. To feel safe in your own company, the first invitation is to stop snapping at yourself, but to conduct a gentle inner dialogue. When you can fully embrace everything that belongs to you and observe it in a compassionate way, the world will look different and life will feel easier. What a wonderful path to continually take further steps on!
As part of my training program, I will be conducting many Compassionate Inquiry conversations in the coming period. Here you can find more information about this approach, which is the brainchild of Gabor Maté. The essence of his approach is that ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences or early childhood trauma) are largely the source of health problems and lack of well-being. That is a strong, but scientifically sound statement. If you are struggling with ‘old pain’ or disturbed relationships, a session with Compassionate Inquiry can almost certainly give you new insights.
If you are interested in experiencing the power of this approach and using it in your own life… please let me know via info@aceaware.nl . Then we can perhaps make an appointment for a session. Welcome!