Last week, I had the privilege and pleasure to be one of the speakers at the GOLD Learning Early Years Online Symposium 2021 on behalf of ACE Aware NL!
The early years… that is quite a topic! There is so much we can say about that period and there are so many perspectives one could choose to draw attention to their importance for lifelong health and wellbeing. Therefore, it felt like quite a challenge to decide about what to include and share with the audience. Of course, I did make choices eventually and I would like to explain a bit about my presentation. You can still watch it, just as the other presentations in the series, that are also really worthwhile. This is the page where you can read more and register. Here you can get a first impression through a short interview I gave.

Seeing I am an anthropologist and sociologist, I considered it appropriate to include that perspective, so my first poll question was: “How would we act as a community in case of upheaval ‘back in the day’?” What does that make you think of? How would we respond to adversity when we were still small-band hunter-gatherers? What is an important part of keeping a tribe or a community together, also in more recent times?

This is a theme that brought me to the concept of salutogenesis, coined by Aaron Antonovsky in the late 70s of the 20th century. He felt that the origins (‘genesis’) of health (‘saluto’) deserved more attention, instead of living in fear about all that we should avoid in order to not get ill. He said that the deterioration of the human organism is not the exception, but the rule! We all are vulnerable; we all will get ill and die someday. We are all in ‘the river of life’ and although a life vest can be helpful at times, most important is that we learn how to swim in the turbulent streams we may have to navigate. It is worth, Antonovsky said, figuring out how we can slow down the entropy, the process of decline, and how we can promote practices and behaviours that support our health. Another important aspect of his view is that he saw health and disease as a continuum, not as a dichotomy. You’re not either ill or healthy; it is not black and white. Health is a dynamic balance and depending on a lot of social, psychological and biological factors, you can feel less or more healthy. Therefore, he also considered people’s personal views important: what makes us happy, what calms us down after times of stress, what helps us to regain our balance after impactful experiences? This is, in fact, an invitation to listen to people’s stories: ‘What happened to you?’ That question, the question considered crucial in trauma-informed practice, is the same question that Antonovsky saw as very important for a salutogenic approach, because when we see people as the experts of their own lives, we listen to what their needs and their fears are and we can proactively work on those.

Antonovsky saw a specific ‘measuring tool’ for an estimate of our health and wellbeing: the Sense of Coherence. We discussed this before in a blog; it is the feeling that life is comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful. If these three are well balanced, most people will feel happy, even if there are chronic conditions that they have to face daily (either healthwise or socially).
There may be all kinds of factors, however, that complicate people’s ability to handle their tasks, to tackle life’s circumstances, to have a ‘response-ability’. The more threatened our existence feels, the harder it becomes to function well. The more pain we experience, the more likely it is that we look for things or behaviours that can soothe or numb that pain. To put it differently: a life filled with pain increases the likelihood of falling prey to addictions, whether they are substances or habits such as spending too many hours behind a screen, eating or drinking too much, or always working and not spending enough restorative time.

And then, if we become aware that some of our practices may have a negative influence on our health and wellbeing, this can be very ‘uncomfortable knowledge’, knowledge we have a hard time dealing with for two main reasons, that are flipsides of the same coin. On the one side, this knowledge may disrupt our worldview, our way of approaching life, our view on what is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and what to do and what to avoid. We are creatures of habit and changing habits can make us feel uncomfortable. On the other side, unhealthy practices are usually part of our coping mechanisms that we cannot do without. If we need to get rid of a practice that offers soothing and an escape from pain, who or what else is there to help us feel comfortable again? The aspect that combines the two sides of the coin, is our deep need for a sense of security and belonging. As humans, we can feel the need for change, yet we may simultaneously find it difficult to take the steps to achieve that change, either personally or professionally, if we fear losing connections and attachment relationships.

With regard to salutogenesis and resilience, however, it is important to become aware of the things that promote learning processes and processes of change. What are the ‘Awesome (Childhood) Experiences’ that strengthen and challenge us in a positive way? What is it between us and other people that really feels like ‘buffering support’, like an invitation to bring out the best in us? This is where the seven pillars of ACE Aware NL come in, concepts that have a prominent place in all trauma-informed settings: connection, compassion, courage, curiosity, confidence, kindness and resilience. When we experience these, we feel strong and vigorous. And when we can show them towards others, we help create healthy environments. What better start could we wish for the ‘Early Years’?!

You are most welcome to register for the symposium for much more information on these themes in my presentation (and for another five beautiful lectures)!

Last week we shared Part 1 of a dialogue that ACE Aware NL had with Anky De Frangh of ‘Connective Parenting’ in response to an Instagram post. Today you read Part 2.

⁠The accompanying text of the Instagram post continued:
”That [lack of certain skills in children] means that not all tantrums can be prevented, but as a parent you can do a lot to prevent tantrums as much as possible and to support your child in his or her development. Your approach during a tantrum is also very important!”

Marianne: Exactly! This sound like a strikingly apt statement. The role of the parents is crucial in how the child responds to a situation in which the perception of safety is under pressure or in which the child does not feel heard or seen. The mood of the parents also influences how frequently such situations occur.

Anky: And that’s what the entire masterclass and also the emotion coaching course are about. I just don’t tell parents that right at the start. By gently taking parents into the story, they understand the crucial role they play and they are naturally willing to change and tackle things within themselves.

“When children become more emotionally competent and thus learn to recognise, name, articulate, understand and regulate their emotions better, the frequency, intensity and duration of tantrums decrease.⁠⁠ And these are all things that you as a parent can support. ”

Marianne: On the one hand, completely true! On the other hand… children are often much more emotionally competent than adults: they sense flawlessly that something is wrong and then they call for help. However, to clarify what is going on, they use instruments that adults find difficult to handle. The core of this is actually that adults often lack the competencies to understand what the child is saying and of which problem the behaviour or expression is a signal or a symptom. Saying that the child is not yet sufficiently competent, could easily lead to framing the child as an incomplete individual.

Anky: I can agree with that. The cause of many frustrations, however, often lies in the fact that they do not always have the words to express themselves (and of course this is always in combination with a care figure who does not seem to understand). That is why we also see more tantrums in children who, for example, have a language development disorder. I completely agree that children are better able to sense, feel and allow emotions to be there. It is only in interaction with others that we as human beings ‘unlearn’ or suppress this. There is also a lot of attention for this in the course and I also make room for that on social media.

Marianne: That’s great, because if the child is portrayed as deficient, the role of parental incompetence remains unaddressed. This is ethically difficult, because those who are bigger and stronger bear a responsibility to protect the small and vulnerable. The Convention on the Rights of the Child describes this responsibility in many ways. As an adult, ‘leaning back’ until the child has become ‘more competent’ therefore does not seem appropriate. Adults can explore how they themselves can become more competent in understanding, speaking and connecting with the language of the child. In this way, the parent can indeed support (the development of) the child enormously and offer the child a sense of security that remains of great value for the rest of their life. Thus, parents and other adults can help build a powerful neurophysiological and stress regulation system.

Anky: Sure; in the masterclass we also discuss this in detail!

“Afterwards, you will also receive the slides and some practical handouts with tips about learning alternative behaviour and how you can stay calm as a parent.”

Marianne: The text seems to aim at the child by saying ‘teaching alternative behaviour’. In light of the previous, the question is probably justified whether it is not the parent who has to learn new skills. If flora does not thrive, you do not blame the flower or plant, but the environment (soil, light, water, nutrients). This principle also deserves much more social attention with regard to children.

Anky: I definitely agree that this principle should be in the foreground. That is also the reason that as a child psychologist I work less and less with children individually and focus on the parents instead. However, I also think it’s important to provide a balance for parents who are very strict with themselves or who eventually can’t see the forest for the trees, because there are so many things they ‘have to’ do to make it ‘right’ or that they think they should change about themselves.

Marianne: That’s great to hear that you focus on the parents! Important questions are then: ‘What does the child need? Why isn’t it thriving? What can we offer?’

Anky: The majority of the emotion coaching course and the masterclass is indeed about teaching alternative skills and behaviour for parents themselves. A mini-piece is about which alternative you could teach your child (by modelling this as a parent yourself and therefore also changing your behaviour) to deal with big emotions. I very consciously pay attention to this, because parents often have questions about this and that is what the masterclass is intended for.

Marianne: How great! By continuously asking the question of what the child needs, we can prevent Adult Supremacy, a concept that has already been discussed in some of our previous blogs, the position of power in which the interests of the adult trump the well-being of the child.’

Anky: Interesting! If I have time, I’ll read about it; I am really looking forward to it!

We completed the dialogue via e-mail. And with regard to the original post… it contained this text:

“Reminder: Your child’s tantrums say nothing about you as a parent, but say something about the developmental stage your child is in.”

Some brainstorming about this led to a suggestion for an alternative formulation, which Anky was also enthusiastic about:

“Impulsive anger (a ‘tantrum’) says something about your child’s state of mind; the extent to which you can offer your child safety in the face of such stress says something about your development as a parent.”

We exchanged a few more things and this was Anky’s conclusion:

I think we are indeed very much on the same page. I think I am a bit less aware or a bit more casual in my use of language. However, I am convinced that we deal with this in a very nuanced way in the masterclass on tantrums and the emotion coaching course, much more carefully than is possible on a medium such as Instagram. At the same time, I think it’s really nice that the text gave you so much to think about! This way I also get your ideas about it and this way we can both broaden our view and use our language even more consciously for our goals!

All in all, it was a nice exchange with ‘Verbindend Opvoeden’ and the next day Anky pointed us to the new Insta post: “Helping your kid to manage their emotions requires you to learn to manage yours first” with a beautiful caption. How wonderful and encouraging to keep getting to know accounts and the people behind them who are committed to treating our youngest citizens with more gentleness through the healing of the adults! Who knows, maybe we should also join Anky’s masterclass…?

ACE Aware NL recently got into a conversation with Anky De Frangh, child psychologist and behavioral therapist from ‘Verbindend Opvoeden’ (‘Connective Parenting’) following a message on Instagram. In her post she shared the following text:
“Reminder: Your child’s tantrums say nothing about you as a parent, but say something about the developmental stage your child is in.”
That statement got us thinking. Can we safely say that a child’s tantrums say ‘nothing’ about you as a parent? Could the tantrums also speak about something other than the developmental stage? And whose stage of development is it – indeed the child’s?
We decided to get in touch with Anky and that resulted in a captivating exchange about the image and the accompanying text. After mutual consultation, we would like to share the dialogue with you! We think that it is very valuable to question each other about shared insights and use of language and thus get to know each other better. In this way, professionals can learn from one another, and can use and pass on each other’s work for the greater purpose of offering children the safest possible start.

Hi Anky,

As promised, I’m sending you my thoughts on the image and text.
I look forward to getting to know each other and talking further to see if we can support each other’s goals, because my impression is that we are essentially on the same page!
With kind regards!

Hi Marianne,
Thanks for your feedback! I also think we are on the same page. Your approach as a parent during a tantrum is indeed extremely important. I have supplemented and explained a number of things in your comments to the text. I think it would be fun to do a video call some time!
Sincerely!

The accompanying text of the Instagram post was what the exchange was mainly about.
“On average, a child between the ages of 18 months and 5 years has 1 tantrum a day, with an average length of 3 minutes. (These are averages, of course! Kids can have more than 1 tantrum a day and they can last longer than 3 minutes. And not all kids have tantrums every day.)”

Marianne: It frightened me, Anky; if true, those are staggering numbers. Do you know what those numbers are based on? I am curious about how and with which definitions the research was conducted, because that can have a lot of influence on the conclusions.

Anky: I base the figures on this overview article. All references can be found there: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK544286/
When I do a poll in a workshop about the frequency and duration of tantrums, it appears that the answers of the participants are very close to this!

Marianne: Actually, the word ‘tantrum’ made me quite sad right away. As adults (and certainly as health care providers, policy makers, writers and influencers), we might consider taking a closer look at our language use. We can seriously ask ourselves whether we really want to label what we are referring to with the word ‘tantrum’.

Anky: Good question! Although I don’t experience that negative connotation myself, I realise that this is of course subjective and can therefore be different for everyone. I also think it is important to match the language already used by parents. I think that way it might also be easier for them to change their view of what ‘tantrums’ are. By the way, that is also very specifically the goal of our masterclass on tantrums (but people gradually discover that 😉).

Marianne: Yes, that may be right. My pain is in this… there is a kind of judgment about the child involved, a negative qualification of undesirable behaviour. It remains unclear whether the child’s anger is perhaps justified. Tantrums are often seen as unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour, but that is reasoned from the adult perspective, not the child perspective.

Anky: I think that anger is always justified, because that is a feeling and what a child feels is just his reality at that moment and has a right to be there. The behaviour is indeed seen as unreasonable, or especially not in proportion to the trigger, but here, too, it is of course important to know that the trigger of a tantrum is usually not the cause. It is very important, in my view, to pass that idea on to parents. And in addition, it is good to also make the translation to ourselves as adults, because we also sometimes react not in proportion to the reason.

Marianne: Sure, very good point! I think it is important to look from the point of view of the child, because that difference in perspective makes a lot of communication and advice around parenting problematic. The child and its behavioural, social and emotional expressions are often looked at from an adult perspective. I think by doing so, we can easily overlook a lot. What emotion is underlying the behaviour or the way the child expresses itself? And of what unmet need is that behaviour a logical and justified signal or symptom?
Recently we heard about this little dialogue:
Child (almost 4): “Mommy, is the tidying up fiiiiinally done?”
Mommy moments later: “Look, honey, that’s why it’s taking so long: because you’re all making a new mess even while you’re cleaning up.”
Child: “Yes, that’s right!”
Mom: “Well, not in my world.”
Child: “But that’s your world!”

Anky: I definitely agree with that. My mission with ‘Connective Parenting’ is therefore very much to help parents to make the translation and to look at it from the perspective of the child. It is important to look just a little further than the behaviour and find out which emotions and (unmet) needs are underneath it. This does not only apply to the child, but also to the parents themselves. I constantly try to translate from child to parents and also help parents to better understand their own reactions. That’s what it’s about: connection with your child and with yourself!

The caption continued as follows (see the italicised passages):
“So tantrums in young children are very normal! Toddlers and preschoolerspre-schoolers want to be independent, but at the same time they also have a great need for the attention of their parents. That makes it difficult to know exactly what they want. They want to try new things but not everything goes the way they want it because they are still learning everything. They also do not yet have the necessary skills to deal with or speak about their emotions in a good way… the ideal recipe, therefore, for frustration and tantrums.”

Marianne: Here, I noticed the word ‘normal’, a word that I think deserves caution. There is a distinction between ‘normal’ (in accordance with the standard) and ‘common’ (a fairly high frequency).

Anky: I can certainly agree with that. I’ve never thought about it that consciously, but that’s definitely something to do more in the future. I think I want to refer to both meanings in a certain way, including the ‘common’ aspect anyway. I notice that parents are often very concerned, while that is not always necessary. I also notice that parents who do a lot of things very well, still feel like they are failing when their child still throws tantrums from time to time. In addition to informing parents about the development of children and what you can expect as a parent, how you can look at behaviour differently, I also really want to reassure parents and give them confidence where possible. That is sometimes a thin line… In the masterclass, there is also conscious attention for this: when are tantrums worrying and no longer ‘normal’?

Marianne: In western societies, many behaviours, like many pathologies, are common, but in fact not normal, not in line with the biological norm or blueprint. Many behavioural and health problems are socially constructed; they are related to and based on socio-cultural conventions and customs, beliefs and ideologies, institutions and practices, laws and rules… you name it.
The fact that children are not yet able to say something about their emotions in words does not necessarily mean that they cannot deal with them well. They probably can do that… as long as the prerequisites inherent in the human biological blueprint are met. At its core is adequate co-regulation by parents who are able to properly regulate their own emotions. It is important that they face up to and overcome any trauma. If parents understand what their child is going through and respond patiently, a child’s anger is usually not too bad. And of course this is quite a task for many parents and a child can nevertheless sometimes be very angry and unreasonable (who wouldn’t? 😉). It is also good to talk about it with each other, without guilt and shame, so that parents can increase their skills and heal their pain. However, putting the problem on the child’s plate (or any other person’s) does not solve the problem of the underlying pain.

Angie: Sure! I totally agree with that!

Meanwhile, the video call took place and we had a beautiful conversation!
Next week you will read Part 2 of this dialogue.

Conferences… Ever since I was an experienced volunteer breastfeeding counsellor (somewhere around the last years of the previous century), I have been eager to increase my breastfeeding knowledge. I upped the ante once I decided to become a lactation consultant IBCLC and in the years after, I got totally hooked on attending lectures, conferences, symposia and whatever kind of training I could reasonably take part in. Such a wealth of experience was out there! Once you are an IBCLC, you have to collect CERPs, Continuing Education Recognition Points, to prove that you take care of remaining up to date with the most recent insight from science, the latest developments in the field, and the most important aspects of ethical practice. In 2008 or 2009, I discovered the GOLD Lactation online conference. In those years, GOLD, as an acronym, stood for ‘Global Online Lactation Discussion’. It was a great way for IBCLCs from all over the globe to attend high quality lectures, even if their own nations hardly offered any training opportunities because there were too few IBCLCs in the country to organise that in such a large-scale and impactful way.. With a stable internet connection, everyone could attend GOLD and get to know colleagues far away, working and learning together  on the very same topic! Such fantastic value for money!

I remember how excited I was each year, and how I carefully planned a couple of days without any other obligations. In those days, there used to be three live time blocks, spread over only two or three days: a morning block, an afternoon/early evening block, and a night block, so as to facilitate all time zones! We used to share about our circumstances in the chat, such as being awake as the only one in a silent, nightly house, while others had just dropped off the kids at school or were cooking the family evening dinner. We would joke about GOLD Lactation being the only conference where you could show up in pyjamas with a blanket wrapped around your shoulders and a hot tea or a wine to keep you awake! A one-hour lecture, a one-hour interval for some after-chat, a bathroom break, and a drink refill and… on it went! There would be four or five lectures in a row and I would preferably attend all of them live in those two days, so as to have the benefit of asking questions and exchanging with colleagues. Afterwards, I would make a selection of the ones worth listening to a second time. In those years, I also took up the role of the Dutch group coordinator; this year again, 2021, I was able to register a beautiful group of colleagues wanting to follow GOLD Lactation and we enjoyed many good speakers once more.

Several times, I gave a short presentation myself in the Cultural and the Hot Topic-sections, addressing characteristics of the Dutch breastfeeding situation. Online conferences weren’t as common as they are today; GOLD providing such a possibility to attend trainings was still quite new and we were always amazed at how smoothly the whole technical part went. Not much has changed there – the technique is still a wonderful part of how GOLD works! Therefore, I’m really pleased and excited to be part of the upcoming Early Years-symposium! The GOLD Learning Early Years Online Symposium 2021 is a brand new event created specifically for healthcare professionals working with families with children ages 0-3 years. It takes place live on October 4 & 5, and includes 6 speakers sharing the latest research on early childhood brain development, the importance of healthy relationships, and the impact of healthy childhood environments. I will have the honour of being one of those six, with one of the others being Robin Grille. I looked up my notes from 2010, when he spoke on ‘Attachment, the Brain… and Human Happiness’. A few great lines: ‘Long before there is a vocal language, there is body language’, ‘The amygdala thinks much faster than the rational brain’, ‘The heart is more and more thought of as the second brain’, ‘Answering dependency creates independence and autonomy’. Robin ended by saying: ‘I dedicate this seminar to a better world!’ What inspiration we can get from listening to one another’s wisdom and paying it forward! GOLD does a great job facilitating this and bringing people closer from all corners and walks in life.

An important aspect of Robin’s presentation in 2010 and of the latest insights in neurophysiology is that breastfeeding is part of a wider, more vital process, namelijk attachment-focused parenting. There is no artificial substitute for responsive, compassionate connection between infants and their adult caregivers. Therefore, my own presentation this year, ‘Building Strong Children: The Power of Buffering Protection Through Responsive Parenting and Caring Communities,’ is full of information on the power of Positive Childhood Experiences. I’ll be speaking about reframing conversations to focus on caring connections that promote healthy brain development and stress regulation. I will also deal with the differences between a pathogenic and a salutogenic approach in healthcare and in life more general: do we focus on what to avoid to prevent falling ill… or do we focus on what to seek out in order to remain healthy? And what is the role of power relations in all this? You are invited to join us and learn about the impact of loving relationships, why humans actively try to connect with others, and how we can support the development of lifelong resilience. I’m thrilled to be speaking on this important topic and I hope you can be with us! Registration is open and includes both live and recorded access to all presentations: https://www.goldlearning.com/early-years-symposium . See you there, maybe!

#GOLDEarlyYears2021

It’s September already! Summer is (almost) behind us, although it looks like we still have some sunny days ahead of us. We hope that you were able to relax, that you could find some quiet time alone or with your loved ones from everything that demanded your attention and energy in the past year, and that you have beautiful things to look forward to!

At ACE Aware we are also going back to work. We’ve got a few more special interviews lined up that deserve to be fleshed out as soon as possible, so that the wisdom the interviewees have shared with us becomes available to you!

For example, we spoke with Bertus Jeronimus, who works at the Faculty of Behavioral and Social Sciences of the University of Groningen (RUG). There he studied clinical and developmental psychology and Dutch law and obtained his PhD on research into the interaction between personality and life events. He is currently working on a better understanding of personality and how people experience their well-being. We spoke to him based on his article about ‘The (un)happiness of a corona generation’, in which he draws attention to the fact that close proximity is a necessity for young people. He mentions that a lot of pain among young ones causes damage that you do not immediately see and that is therefore underestimated.

We also interviewed Jessica Boerema, also in Groningen. From her own practice ‘Contact in beeld’ (‘Contact in view’) she provides training courses to parents and professionals to create more insight into the importance of effective communication with young children at difficult moments. Communication in which you as an adult understand the baby or young child well and learn to decipher the signals, helps enormously to ensure that a baby feels safe and develops trust in the world. That is of course a wonderful way to support a child’s resilience from an early age.

In Amsterdam we met with Beatrijs Smulders, well-known author and midwife. She has played a prominent role in midwifery care for the past four decades and is a passionate advocate of home birth and an innovator at heart. Nowadays she no longer supports labouring women in childbirth, but provides personal guidance and advice in the field of women’s affairs through consultations. She has helped thousands of mothers and fathers get started in parenting over the course of her career and has developed idiosyncratic views based on her professional experience, combined with scientific insights. In short: a fascinating discussion partner, with ideas that invite and challenge you to think more deeply!

There are also some special professionals who said they would like to be interviewed, but with whom the date has not yet been set. We will also follow up on this shortly. Are you working in healthcare, education, the judicial sector or are you a professional who works from a trauma-informed approach? We would love to hear from you and perhaps set up an interview!

In addition, there are interviews with people who have lived through adverse experiences while growing up. We honourably call these ‘people with the lived experience’, people who are experts, because they have first-hand knowledge of what the impact of toxic stress and trauma can be. Of course we can’t share their names, but that doesn’t make their stories less important. In fact, it is those stories that are at the heart of the work for ACE Aware NL; they show how early experiences affect later life. When people look back on their youth in a phase in which they have been able to take a little more distance, many things sometimes come to the fore. Also, sometimes it is confronting to face aspects of that life stage when they have to make choices in their parental role. The needs and individuality of their own children can sometimes be very confronting. These can raise questions about what it was like as a child to need your parents’ support and not get it, or to feel like you were not seen and were hardly ever ‘good enough’. That can release a lot of grief. That grief can look like anger or frustration or impatience, but at the core, the pain and the feeling of insecurity and loneliness are often underneath. And what do you do in that case…? Do you manage to be kind to yourself? Do you allow yourself time and space to talk about it with a loved one? Do you have a social environment available paying attention to you where you can safely be vulnerable? It can already help if you know that you are not alone in your grief and that it can be liberating to talk about it, especially when parenthood is imminent or has just started. We will also give concrete form to this aspect this year by setting up meetings.

At the beginning of October, Marianne Vanderveen-Kolkena will give a presentation for GOLD Learning on behalf of ACE Aware NL in the Early Years symposium. Among other things, she will talk about the difference between avoiding risks and looking for beneficial aspects of human life, or, put differently, the difference between a salutogenetic approach (what do we need to stay healthy?) and a pathogenetic approach (what should we avoid to not get sick?). It will also be discussed that health is not an individual matter, but is socially constructed and is therefore the result of the interaction between the environment and the individual. Furthermore, the idea of ‘adult supremacy’ will be looked at, the idea that adult interests often outweigh the interests of the dependent young child that is still fully developing.

In short: there is a lot that we will work on!
During the holiday period, some themes took shape in a more creative way and we are happy to share a photo with poem with you.
Enjoy the reading and we look forward to meeting you somewhere, live or online!